REAPER
Prologue
A dark form on a horse rode in the village; a man looked in fear from a window as the figure gallobed by the guards, who didn't seem to notice the rider. The man started locking his door and piling things before it. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candle, so that he could see in the dark. The man sat on the cold floor, his back facing the wall behind him. He heard footsteps from the corridor; he snatched his rifle from the floor.
Whump. He heard a sound. He saw a black cloak before his eyes, he forced himself to look up. He was already trembling with fear. Sweat was running over his forehead.
“Sam Goolding?” Asked the figure. The man etched his finger closer to the trigger, as the figure lifted its weapon; a shiny, black scythe, it glinted like fine obsidian. The man could just, and only just see the scythes dark and sharp edge in the dim light of the candle.
“Sam Goolding?” It demanded.
Sam pulled the trigger, but no gunshot erupted, no voice was raised. Only the echo of silence of death.
"So death has come forth to claim my soul?"
“If I were death there would be no village here, there'd only be the peace of sleep 'pon this land.”
Sam stood up still trembling, he was frightened, “Well who are you then?” Sam demanded, now facing a white skull. The skull had eyes so black that you could feel how you were sucked into their endless dark pitch. Sam swallowed his fear and tried to gather courage.
“I am Grim Reaper at your service, you may call me Jack... If you so wish,” said the Reaper.
“Why Jack?” asked Sam who was starting to tremble a bit less, grasping of the courage deep inside of himself.
“Have you ever heard of Jack the Ripper?” Grim flew through the air, appearing as smoke before Samuel. Cold began creeping into the room. The fire flickered.
"Yes, yes I have. Why?"
The reaper spread his hands as if to present something. Sam understood this hint.
“But you are dead!” Said Sam in shock, stepping back only to find the wall breaking his getaway.
Slowly with each bone creasing menacingly the bleached skeleton made its way towards Samuel. Scythe slowly waving in his hands, as if the reaper was stopping an age old instinct. "But dear Mr. Goolding, as you can plainly determine..." His Scythe hit Samuel's legs from under him and the reaper appeared once again before him, his weight now on Samuel, pinning him down. Grim's skeletal face only inches from Sam's face. "Sometimes dear Mr. Goolding, the dead walk among the living." After which he spread his wings of shadows and bit onto Samuel's face with his ghoulish teeth. The blood seemed excessive and Sam screamed in hellish agony.
"Help me, Help me!" His throat bloody from screaming he continued to pray "God forgive me for I have sinned" but to no avail. No soul could hear him and no one could help him as the Grim Reaper gnawed on his face.
Finally the gruesome act stopped, and the grim lifted his weapon and cut of Samuel's soul. He was about to place it in his bag meant for soul which would reach purgatory, but the soul of Sam Goolding screamed and fought, which was new to the reaper, since oftentimes souls were too disoriented to act. Suddenly the soul exploded in size, forming a faceless ghost.
"You... Are not death.." it said, "You have no right to that which is mine," the ghost said,
Grim watched t he ghost, "I will take you as the representative of Death"
"No ripper Jack will take this soul of mine, unless he does bargain and tells me how he arrived at his current predicament."
The ripper sighed, a long and wholly unearthly sound and then he began to speak.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Jack the Ripper...the serial killer that went after young unmarried women. I have heard of him, yess...
This is going to be interesting.
First off, you build up the scene to be frightening, and then Jack is all like, "sit down and I'll tell you the story of my life." Not very realistic. Not for jack the ripper anyways. I think its kinda of a let down taht he don't charge in like the pyschopath he is and maybe torture the guy a little before he goes on to rave and brag on his life.(Like thats anything to brag about.) I acn't wait to see where you take this however.
Your grammar was okay, I didn't see any major ones. But there might be a few minor things in there that I looked over. Basically though, we know nothing about the MC of their feelings. I think that you should humanize them a bit more.
But thats about all. Good job and keep writing.
Hello Lord Anzius.
Firstly, it’s ‘Prologue’ and ‘Reaper’ rather than ‘Prolouge’ and ‘Reapper.’
Now to start with, I don’t actually see a reason why you shouldn’t be able to use Sam’s name from the start. It would make it less confusing about which character you are taking about at various parts.
The premise of the story, like other sections of stories I’ve read of yours, seems to be dark, foreboding, and dangerous. It isn’t long, however, before a comical aspect appears. I wanted to point this out in case it wasn’t intentional.
If it wasn’t: then the name of Jack the Ripper should probably not make an appearance, even if it means making drastic changes to the plot, and neither should the Reaper act confused (as much as he, a skull, can look confused).
If it was: I would try to bring that out throughout the entire piece. Describe Sam’s attempts at defending his home, in a humorous way, allow us to laugh at his fear, and at the Reaper’s attempts (or what should be merely attempts if this is to be comical) to seem formidable.
In the last paragraph I mentioned description. I didn’t see any cases of this here, but I know it happens a lot, so I just wanted to warn you about being redundant. In general it isn’t necessary to describe the same thing twice, especially if you’re describing the very same aspect, in the very same way.
One thing I did notice though is that when you’re describing the Reaper’s scythe, in one sentence you describe it as “shiny.” In the next sentence, though, you say that it is difficult for Sam to see its “dark edges.” Make sure you're consistant.
I have to find it interesting that the Reaper decides to show up at this house—he must have a reason—and decides to tell his life’s story to this man, at random, after telling him to call him Jack, as though he will have a longer opportunity to speak to him.
I see a couple problems with this. First of all, if he’s agreeing to spill the beans, so to speak, to this man, does that mean he tells the story to every curious human he comes across? That’s a lot of time spent storytelling, for no apparent reason. A brief explanation would do in most cases, especially when he must have had other plans when he showed up. He needs a better reason for deciding to give him the story.
Now the second problem is that the Reaper hardly seems to have a reason for coming in the first place, if it’s put aside to easily. Either that or he has trouble keeping his attention on something. Besides which, Sam doesn’t seem in the least bit curious either. Perhaps he assumes that, it being the Grim Reaper, he’s going to meet his death and is perfectly willing to stall. But the Reaper seemed to imply that his immediate plans didn’t include Sam’s death. “If I were death you would not be here right now.” Then what exactly does he want?
Now, the character of Sam. In the beginning he strikes me as the jump type. He’s watching out his windows, something he must do a lot if he happens to catch this strange stranger. And, it being dark, he would have a hard time telling just how strange this person is. He had to have seen a person on a horse before. All the same, he takes immediate precautions.
Once the Reaper is in his house, however, he loses his fear seemingly in the blink of an eye. The Reaper didn’t seem to do anything particularly assuring or comforting, and certainly didn’t give the appearance of being harmless, despite is quirky introduction. You make no mention if the scythe turning out to be a plastic toy, so I’m assuming it’s a genuine, sharp weapon just as you describe, and this person has no flesh on his skull like an ordinary human. Unless this kind of event is common (I think that’s unlikely; if it’s meant to be, however, you should mention that), I have a feeling he would still be scared out of his mind, and behaving accordingly.
This is not the most attention-grabbing prologue I’ve read. In fact, I have to admit that I was relieved at it’s short length.
On the other hand, the key to making it more interesting may be in increasing the length. I know there will be more details in the further chapters, but I’m assuming those will be the Reaper’s story. So there are plenty of areas where you could add more detail in the prologue. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to add more description; however, if you do that, it cannot be merely description of the setting, the room Sam is in, etc. At this point, what you need is more action, meaning description of that action; more exciting details. You need to add more meat to the story, more conflict. Even it is small details like, what Sam was doing before he looked out the window? How did the guards react to the horse and rider? In what manner the Reaper made his appearance (did he flourish his cape? Did he skulk and slouch into the room? Did he stomp and glare? Did he creep in, sticking to the shadows? Did he lunge at Sam?) Did Sam cower on the ground, trip and fall down, attempt to stand tall despite his fear, set himself accidentally on fire? Perhaps he would attempt to defend himself?
One more thing I’d like to add. At this point, we’re barely into the story, so there’s one question you need to ask yourself: Why should we, your readers, care what the Reaper’s story is? He insists on telling us yes, but unlike Sam, we’re not trapped in a room with him. We’re perfectly free to stop reading… unless there’s something about the Reaper that intrigues us, makes us curious, makes us feel we should pity him, or perhaps disgusted with him and we’d like to know why. As of right now, he inspires no emotion, and no interest. You need us to need to know.
You need to ask yourself that question, come up with an answer, and implement it in the story.
You should make sure you’ve punctuated all of your dialogue correctly. At the moment there are a few spots with mistakes.
There were also spots missing commas, or even periods, and where certain kinds of punctuation need replacement with another kind. I’d like to suggest reviewing the rules about the use of commas.
You may have already edited for punctuation, but I know it’s not easy to catch all the errors the first, or even second time, so it’s usually a good idea to check a 3rd time.
I hope you found this (very long) review helpful. I will gladly take a look at this again in the future, if you’d like. Or if you’d like to PM me to arrange a time when you can beat me with a stick, I’ll check when I’m free.
Moi moi moi! Nyt mulla on viimein aikaa tehdä tää. Toivottavasti on ees jotain apua
Alrighty, then. I highly recommend proofreading before posting, so you'll notice the missing commas, periods etc. At the moment it doesn't seem you're doing it, just to let you know. The plot of the story doesn't seem very unique to me, but maybe you'll develop that further.
We don't really know anything about Sam except that he tends to tremble when scared. That's not uncommon, a lot of people do that, and it'd be great to know more, even though this is only the prologue.
So good luck with the writing, ja tiedät mitä tehdä jos tarviit lisää reviewejä!
On niin ihanaa puhua suomea kun kukaan muu ei tajua mitään
Demeter xxx
Refrain from over explaining your character's actions. It's rather obvious when some one piles things against a door that he doesn't want it to open, and you light a candle for light, you don't have to explain.
Worst case scenario, the reader feels as though they are being spoken down to, which isn't going to convince them to keep reading.
The 'he heard a sound' is redundant. It is made obvious he is aware of the sound through your use of onomatopoeia (big word I know, but it's just the name for words that represents sounds, such as 'boom' 'clang', 'ding' and the like).
'to and fro' is more suited to a rocking or swinging motion then a trembling one.
Okay, I hate to bring it up, but isn't 'death' just another name for the 'grim reaper'?
The fact that he says he isn't death, but he is the grim reaper is kinda strange.
What I suggest you do, is read this piece out loud, and add commas where you naturally pause. Anything that sounds awkward, find another way to put it. Usually if your writing is smooth to speak, it has a good, even flow for reading too.
It's not very long, so I don't have a lot to say at this point. The only thing is, why would 'jack the ripper' be so easily persuaded to stop and talk? You need to give a better reason. I would suggest you have the MC trick him into it by appealing to the part of Jack that wants to brag. Maybe through insults, making him angry enough to have to prove a point, or belittling him? Jack the Ripper doesn't sound the type to stop and chat because someone's curious. He killed women and mutilated their bodies. Not exactly a social whizz, right?
But other then that, this is alright. A decent start.
If you have any questions, send me a PM. Will be happy to help.
-Nutty
Hey again; I so hope I haven't wasted your time with my terrible reviews and ramblings
The man could just, and only just see the scythes dark and sharp edge in the dim light of the candle.
I liked this prologue, especially the start, it was entrancing, exactly what a prologue is meant to be. I also love the way all your stories are different genres, it shows off your versatility. There's not many mistakes in this prologue either, which is always a good sign. 
Well done, if you've got anything else you want me to review just pm me 
A dark form on a horse rode in the village I love this sentence.; a man looked in fear from a window as the figure rode by the guards. The man started locking his door and piling things before it so that it would not open. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candleAgain I love this sentence, so that he could see in the dark. The man sat his back facing the wall behind him. He heard footsteps from the corridor; he snatched his rifle from the floor.
Whump. He heard a sound. He saw a black cloak before his eyes, he forced himself to look up. He was already trembling with fear.
“Sam Goolding?” asked the figure. The man dropped his rifle, as the figure lifted its weapon; a shiny steel scythe.What's a scythe? Sorry I'm completely hopeless when it comes to names of weapons and stuff like that
“Sam Goolding!?” it demanded.
The man nodded “Death?” Sam asked.
“If I were death you would not be here right now.”
Sam stood up still trembling to and fro. “Well who are you then?” Sam asked now facing a white skull. The skull had eyes so black that you could feel how you were sucked into them.
“I am Grim Reaper at your service, you may call me Jack, if you like.” said the Reaper.
“Why Jack?” asked Sam who was starting to tremble a bit less.
“Never heard of Jack the Ripper?”
“I thought you were dead!” Said Sam in shock. “I thought you had died five years ago."
“Well technically I did die five years ago."
Sam was starting to get his courage back "Technically?" Sam asked.No need to use Sam's name here again, just say he
"Um, yes. the Reaper looked confused (well as confused as a skeleton can look at least)
"Let me tell you the whole story, from the beginning to the end. Then you may understand”
"Very well" said Sam who felt like he was in control.
The grim figure sat down on one of Sam’s chairs and started speakingfull stop
Hi!
-Kirsten xxx
Ure
I love what you have so far. The topic of Death/Dying/or the Grim Reaper is my favorite to read or write. This prologue was expecially juicy. I saw a few mistakes here and there...
See how repetitive this paragraph is? Try to mix it up by beginning a sentence with an action, not a person. For instance, something like: Heavy fabric fluttered, releasing puffs of dust into the air, as he closed the curtains and lit a small candle. Now at last the darkness faded, though the candle cast flickering shadows on the wall.
Again, too many 'he's.
This sentence is kind of awkward. Try something like "The skull's eyes were so black they created a horrid sensation - it was almost as if Sam was being sucked in."
Neeeeh run-on sentence. I hate 'em XD. It should read "Well, technically I did die - five years ago." or instead of a '-' a period.
Other then that, great job! It has the makings of a great story! Check out my story as well, for it also has a Grim Reaper as one of the main characters (though his personality is quite different from yours)!
This gotta be awsome. I cant wait to read the story. But where are the other chapters?
No problem
Hello again, I promised when you wrote more and edited that I'd crit it again. I think you went into more detail, whihc is a good thing no one wants to just hear dialogue. ANYWAYS moving on, the prologue is OK still the beginning just doesn't really do it for me. I'm sorry, but at least I'm not lying. I'm not a grammer and spelling person, so I won't even bother with that. At the end of the prologue you want reader to be thinking ...
"Wow this is really good, what happens next?"
NOT
"Uh, I don't really remember it, but I want the last ten mintues of my life back."
sorry I really don't mean to be rude.
-Max
THX. I'll have to work on my grammar, but I really did press the spell check button. I also used word to spell check it. I dunno what happened there but I do understand those comma mistakes and so on.
First off, it isn't spelled Reapper.
A misspelled title is really bad, as the title is the reader's first impression of the story, and you want them to come in thinking it might be good.
Overall, this honestly failed to capture my attention. There was nothing original in it, and too many unanswered questions. (and not just the kind that are okay to leave until later in the book to answer) For example, why does Sam instantly assume that the cloaked man is coming for him, and why does he live in a place with guards guarding the entrance? If you think about it, you could assume that it would seem that you were the only one who could see the figure since the guards didn't see it, and thus assume it was some kind of nefarious spirit, but rather than mulling it over like that, Sam instantly bolted off to protect himself from the evil spirit that he just knew was coming for him.
The most pertinent error in this piece, however, and one that shadowed all the others in its size, was the spelling and grammar.
Please, please use a spell check. Admittedly, I hardly ever do, but that's because I am confident in my grammar capability and almost always know when I've misspelled something, even if I don't recall what the correct spelling is.
If you haven't developed this skill yet, however, then you should probably take the time to hit the spell check button. You don't even need to go into a different application, YWS has its own little spell check that you can access by hitting the "Check spelling" link.
Also, there are areas that need commas, that need words erased, and other such things. I'm not going to list all the mistakes because I'm not in the mood for a really, really in depth critique, which would be required to point them all out (not trying to be mean, but there are a lot of mistakes), so if you'd pm me as well after you've tried to make it a little better, then I'd review again with a list of everything you need to change.
Before I end, though, I'll point out a few main things that bugged me:
"“Sam Goolding?” Said the"
Don't capitalize said. Since it's part of the same sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. I know, it seems confusing, but dialogue + way the character says it = only one sentence.
"“Sam Goolding!?” It demanded"
Again, don't capitalize it.
" Jack.” Said the ripper "
Don't capitalize said. Also, since it's supposed to be one sentence, that period should actually be a comma.
"Jack?” Asked Sam"
Same thing, don't capitalize asked. Note that, by the way, you only replace punctuation with a comma if it's a period ending dialogue, if it's a question mark like here it's perfectly fine.
"dead!” Said the Sam"
Again, don't capitalize said, but the main problem here is the use of the word "the". When I saw it I thought, "Wait, what?" Since Sam is a name and a person, why on earth are you using "the"? Just say "said Sam".
That's all for now. Again, please edit this and pm me, I'd love to crit it again when it isn't so hard to catch all the errors.
Thanks for the replies
For some reason the title dragged me in and then when I actually read the beginning it was OK but it wasn't something that begged for my attention. I don't know maybe you should exand it? Just a thought. I think it was too short and why waste 150 points? Make this a little longer adn PM me and I'll review it again for you. Sorry to be harsh I'm only trying to help
as always
-Max
Ooh... This is an interesting beginning. ^^ I like how you're using the story of Jack the Ripper as the Grim Reaper. Not that I've actually heard the story, but I've seen the name a couple times and only know that he killed some people... I think. Lol, anyway, I think--other than the grammer errors that MrDigitalKid pointed out--that it'd be better without the last line.
I'm looking forward to seeing the rest.
-kittykat
THX. I'll Edit it still a bit but I can acctually explain the end of the prolouge. I want to tell the history of Jack and in the end There will be an unexpected happening.
This is a pretty good prologue, the beginning was great, but the ending was well... kinda unexpected, wierd if i must say...
“Never heard of Jack the Ripper?”(Im guessing you forgot to press the enter button here.)“I thought you were dead!” Said the Sam in shock “I thought you died five years ago.
Sam stood up still trembling to and fro. “Well who are you then(?)” Sam asked now facing a white skull(.)
“Sam Goolding!?” It demanded(.)
The man nodded “Death?” Sam asked(.)
Also the 'Whump' should be in italics since it is... well, i dnt know why but thats what other critiques say lol...
Overall, its a really good story, just a few punctuation errors but other than that you've got a really excellent book, keep writing, readers need you! xD